I could feel the tight rolls on my forehead between my eyebrows in the place where tension was held. I tried to actively release it and the feeling was still there. I could feel a knot in the back of my throat, that same feeling right before you have to tell someone bad news. I could feel my entire body crunching inwards. Sitting on an old church pew, I suddenly realized my body language was shut off as I leaned further into the crevice that was the space where the side and back of the pew met. I was asked to notice all of these things and pay attention to them, after watching a video of a little black girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old, get hand-cuffed by police officers for not being able to settle down in a class at school.
For some context, this video was shown as a part of a nine week course I'm currently taking called "Building Bridges of Asheville," which is a course with a focus on dismantling racism by fostering relationships that respect diversity, seek understanding and encourage action. Phew-- that's a lot to unpack in one session, in nine weeks, in a year, or even in a lifetime, what it means to "dismantle racism." Each week we have a different focus, from housing to criminal justice to white privilege, beginning by reviewing reading materials at home, gathering in a large group for a film or panel on the topic, then splitting into smaller groups to discuss reactions and thoughts from all of the above. The night that I referenced earlier, the topic was interpersonal, institutional, and structural racism. These topics are not easy to tackle, and I am very thankful for a space to have open conversations about race. Most spaces I've had conversations similar to the ones had in the sessions at Building Bridges, I've been surrounded by people who are a lot like me. Typically they're white, 20-somethings, usually decently liberal people, who come from very privileged backgrounds, and many from the same suburban areas in North Carolina. In this scenario at Building Bridges, I am being given the opportunity to process these important questions about race with people from many different backgrounds. This includes people of color, but also people from different regions and different generations and it really has opened me up to truly sitting and actively listening to people who have different opinions from me. Although everyone in the room did choose to sign-up for a nine week course on dismantling racism (which does mean they were at least somewhat interested in the topic), I've met much more opposition in my opinions than I ever thought I would in a space of people I assumed would be just like me. Most of this opposition I welcome. I constantly have to remind myself that these differing opinions, this open conversation, this is what these spaces are created for. Despite my constant reminder of how good it is to have a space like this, it doesn't stop my stomach from aching, and this isn't a metaphor. Quite literally, during these sessions, particularly in my small group, I am constantly hearing small churns of my stomach. I can feel myself sweating even in the room with the temperature set to 50 degrees. I constantly fiddle with the small tab on the back of my black boots because I feel the need to have my chaotic energy put somewhere while I'm listening to people talk. Now no one is saying anything overtly racist or ridiculously problematic, but different opinions and complex questions, even if working towards a common good goal of dismantling racism, leads to conflict. And conflict around this topic feels harder than others, and not just in a feeling in my brain, but in my body. In the very first chapter of our "Building Bridges" Manual an article was included by Margaret J Wheatley where we were asked to "honor our diversity by being willing to be disturbed." She says, "We need to welcome our willingness to have our beliefs and ideas challenged by what others think. No one person or perspective can give us the answers we need to the problems of today." To do this, we have to let go of our certainty, or the constant narrative we've been told that we have to figure out what is right and what is wrong. Especially in this season of political campaigning we are told we must either agree with a stance, or disagree with a stance, and there is rarely any room or patience for just listening to people who think differently from us. One of the ways I have found myself listening in these sessions, is noticing what happens in my body. The stomach cramp or the wandering eye, I have tried to take notice to when this is happening and then engage myself asking, "why is this happening?" I try tying that physical feeling to an emotion or a mental feelings. Am I angry? Am I sad? Am I frustrated? Am I curious? Noticing this exposes my beliefs as I'm listening to others and helps me challenge my own assumptions about others beliefs. As someone in my small group beautifully put it, "It's a gut check." A check to see how we are immediately viscerally responding to such difficult conversations. While there are many reflections I would love to share about my experience so far at Building Bridges, this one has been persistent, noticing what it feels like to build those bridges. And each session I feel like I'm exercising myself to be prepared to do this in spaces not built for being disturbed, in spaces that haven't been labeled a "brave space," but in the real life spaces that need this work the most. I want to be able to take the time and have the patience to check-in with myself. I want to be able to say, in that meeting, I could feel my shoulders tensing up, why? Did I feel that there were decisions being made without representation from those who are most impacted? Did I feel that there were voices in the room that were not being given the space to share their opinions? This feeling, this gut feeling, of questioning and challenging the norms that have been perpetuating systems of racism is the first step to analyzing where change can be made. I hope within these nine weeks I'll continue strengthening my ability to listen closely, to others, and to my own body, to begin the process of confusion and curiousness that will allow space for deeply needed collaborative change. I'll let the closing words of Wheatley have the final word on this one: As the world grows more strange and puzzling and difficult, I don’t believe most of us want to keep struggling through it alone, I can’t know what to do from my own narrow perspective. I know I need a better understanding of what’s going on. I want to sit down with you and talk about all the frightening and hopeful things I observe, and listen to what frightens you and gives you hope. I need new ideas and solutions for the problems I care about. I know I need to talk to you to discover those. I need to learn to value your perspective, and I want you to value mine. I expect to be disturbed by what I hear from you. I know we don’t have to agree with each other in order to think well together. There is no need for us to be joined at the head. We are joined by our human hearts. We are all joined by human hearts. To learn more about Building Bridges of Asheville visit www.bbavl.org
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How seriously do you think that news websites take choosing their ads?
Yesterday- I got a news notification about a shooting that happened on UNC-Charlotte's campus. I wasn't in any way directly involved, but for some reason it hit me harder than any other shooting news I've heard. As someone who is an advocate for more gun control, I am always disheartened by hearing about the continued violence that falls upon our world, and specifically our country, a violence I feel as if I have absolutely no control over, but something about this news notification felt different. I was walking to my car to go get $5 tacos before going to trivia with my friends, a normal Tuesday tradition, when I saw the notification. "CNN: Active Shooter at UNC Charlotte: 2 dead, 4 injured." I could feel the air being knocked out of me, like that feeling when you hit the ground too hard and too fast after a fall, but also in a strangely slow way. It felt like all of a sudden I was moving in slow motion, and that the thoughts that were in my brain trumped anything in my immediate environment, sending me into an immediate fog. On autopilot, I got into the car and began driving towards Mamacita's for Taco Tuesday, but multiple times while driving I had to remind myself that I was driving a car because my thoughts were what was in the forefront of my mind, and also the further deepening foggy feeling that seemed to continue encompassing my brain, my eyes, and even my hearing. UNCC is just so close. I know people who go to UNCC. My roommate just transferred from there. It happened in a library? My girlfriend was studying in a library at Appalachian just yesterday. I bet my sister has been studying in a library this week at UNC Chapel Hill. It's finals, so many people are in the library right now all over the place right now. I used to study in a library. I was very recently a college student in North Carolina. That situation could have happened to me. That situation could have happened to someone I love and care about deeply. Although I wasn't directly involved, these were the masses of thoughts moving through my head as I attempted to continue my night like normal. I could feel tears welling up a couple of times while driving down Broadway Street as these thoughts came to surface and then asking why is this particular situation is impacting me so much compared to other awful horrible news I hear on a daily basis. I already, like many others I'm sure, have a heightened anxiety about being involved in a situation like this in a general public place. It's an unfortunate fear that I'm sure is continuing to increase in generations that grow up surrounded by the safety precautions now necessary everywhere you go. I could feel my heart rate increasing, but also feeling like I was hyper-aware of every time my heart beat, really feeling how alive I was right then. I found a spot to park outside Mamacita's and tried to take a deep breath, I kept thinking I feel like I shouldn't just keep going about my day like nothing happened. But yet, I did. I got out of my car in my strange fog and ordered tacos, just like normal. But I could feel that I was in a daze, while also being clearly aware of my surroundings. People were smiling and talking, eating their tacos, going on with their normal lives, even though these students at UNCC, giving final presentations in a classroom in a library, had their lives taken away from them. I got back to my car, tacos in hand, and glanced back down at my phone. Many more notifications had popped up. I opened up one of them which had a video update, and this is when a happy-go-lucky mattress advertisement played, with a bit of a jingle to it. I was so mad at that advertisement. I felt like it disrespected the issue, disrespected the individuals involved, and I can't even imagine being someone who is directly connected to the incident, the parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, checking the news to get information about their loved ones, being forced to sit through that disgustingly happy mattress advertisement to figure out what the new death toll may be. I wonder how much news websites think about their advertisements. I lost it. I called my mom like any person losing it might do and she helped to calm me down. She convinced me going to trivia and being around my friends would help me to feel better, but I was still in such a strange place. For some reason, this particular instance at UNCC made me see myself and those I love in the shoes of all of those who have lost their lives to gun violence. And now I know, each and every time I get a news notification about a shooting incident, whether in the next state, across the country, or on the other side of the world, someone is reading that and going into a daze. Even if not directly involved, they may be thinking That could have been me or, That could have been my child, or That could have been my friend who takes yoga classes, or That could have been my aunt who goes to that church. I saw an old friend from high school who attends UNCC post on her Facebook account, "You don't think it will be your school, until it is..." I went to trivia. I ate my tacos. We came in last place. I felt a little off. I suddenly felt the weight of the "that could have been..." and felt like I couldn't just sit and do nothing about it. But the conundrum comes from, what do you do about it? I mean- what can you really do to stop a stranger that you have no connection with from randomly deciding to shoot people? Nothing really- which is the hardest part for me. Sure there are ways to advocate for gun control, there are plenty of organizations and groups you can support, but in that actual moment, when someone walks into a room and opens fire, there's nothing you can do to stop the following events from unfolding. I am a genuine control-freak, and when things are out of my control, anxiety creeps in and tells me I can't just sit and do nothing about it, but sometimes the world puts me in my place and says you just can't do anything about it. So, to cope with this feeling, I texted and called the people I loved, the people who I knew I was thinking about in the "That could have been..." scenarios, and I told them I loved them. I think telling people they are loved is so important. I grew up with a mom who many times told me that growing up she doubted if she was ever loved, and she never wanted that for me, so she told me all the time that she loved me. And now that I've picked that up, I've realized I personally do it for a couple of reasons; so that people never doubt that they are loved, so that they feel that love, and because the world is so crazy and unfortunately, sometimes I worry when will be the next time I get to tell them I love them. But we should tell more than just the people in our most immediate circles that we love them. We should always strive to show love to all the people we encounter, and sometimes even the people we feel as though we hate. Now I don't know much about the shooter involved in the situation at UNCC, but we've seen that often people involved in these types of things are individuals who were pushed to the fringes, maybe an outcast in one or more ways. And while it can be really easy, and rightfully so, to hate these people, showing them kindness and love can go farther than we may realize. This isn't to say that every person who chooses to enact violence in this way can just be loved out of their hate, but in my opinion, putting a little more love into the world never hurt anyone, and that's what I can do, and what you can do, and what UNCC will need to move past their horrible reality that became a news notification. #UNCCStrong It's the first week of the new year and everyone has their resolutions that will likely last a couple weeks. Maybe if you're one of the lucky ones it'll survive a couple months or if you're even luckier you'll truly make a new habit and it'll make you a better person like we hope our resolutions will. I have no problems with new years resolutions, I usually participate in the strange ritual. I've said in the past that I'll stop biting my nails (mostly accomplished), that I would journal more (did not accomplish but here's to attempting to blog), that I would floss every day (happened, but died off for sure), and this year I've said I'll go to the gym before work (instead of after) which will leave time to cook more after I get home from a long day (we'll see how that ends up going). But today I decided to add something else to my new years resolution list. It kind of naturally fell into my lap through a couple of experiences, but it's something that I think is worthwhile for everyone to put on their list for things to "improve your life" the way we typically want our mundane habit-breakers to, but I think this goal has the authority to carry a little more weight than our new diet fads.
My "new" new years resolution is to see people. Don't worry I haven't been walking around with my eyes closed, I am able to physically see people. But this resolution is to really see people, acknowledge them, engage with them, and learn from them. This means honoring that every person we interact with from the person in line with us in the grocery store to our own family is just as human as we are with everything that comes with that. The first thing that brought this about was a podcast I listened to recently. Over the holidays I had quite a few long road trips and I listened to hours of podcasts on end and stumbled across Invisibilia by NPR. The tagline of this podcast is: Unseeable forces control human behavior and shape our ideas, beliefs, and assumptions. They had a a bonus episode titled "Who Do You Let In." This episode focuses on the delicate balance between openness and caution when going through your life meeting people. The speaker in the podcast, Abby Wendle, shares an experience where she's alone at a John Prine concert and is approached by an older man who begins making conversation with her. Abby is in a long distance relationship so she's on guard even more than the average female, but regardless, I feel that many young females can agree with concept of feeling a little uneasy when approached by an older male. She mentioned trying to enjoy the concert but constantly feeling his eyes on her and multiple times he tries engaging her in conversation. She ends up deciding to give him her email (after a request for a number) after being reminded of the John Prine lyrics to the song "Hello in there." So if you're walking down the street sometime And spot some hollow ancient eyes, Please don't just pass 'em by and stare As if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello." Abby talks about how she often goes through life with her walls up, especially being in a long distance relationship- which I can understand. She's unsure of peoples intentions and therefore tends to allow her first impressions to be accompanied by mistrust. In the podcast, she ends up having a conversation over the phone with the man who approached her, after she's decided over email that she can trust him, and found out that while maybe yes, he was trying to hit on her a bit, he also just needed someone to connect with. He mentioned how she just looked so into the music and purely present in the moment and he wanted to engage with that. He mentions how people often just look at him and see him as an old man that doesn't deserve someones time of day. She encourages listeners to go through life not just passing people by, but engaging with them and really seeing those people for the people they are. My grandma has bad dementia, and sometimes she can be easy to dismiss. She doesn't respond in conversations, she's often just looking out into the distance kind of checked out and emotionless. But she's in there, even if it's deep, she's in there and she's worth being seen, just like everyone is. Sometimes you just need a reminder to stop and say hello like John Prine suggests. My girlfriend shared with me recently about a keynote speaker she had the privilege of listening to who helped give her a similar perspective. This was a woman from Swannanoa Correctional Facility who was serving a life sentence for a crime of murder. Regardless of her circumstances she was well spoken and delivered a great speech about how faith had played an important place in her life journey since being placed in this facility. She prefaced this with background about herself and how she ended up where she did, mentioning that she spent several years on the streets after dropping out of high school at a young age. She said that if one person on the street had given her the time of day, had told her that she mattered, that she wouldn't be where she is today having done the awful thing she did. My girlfriend shared this all with me and made her own type of resolution saying that hearing her speak made her wish she did more for people who are homeless. The other day I was making a stop by Earthfare with a friend for something small, what would be just a quick in and out. Sitting on the ground outside of the store was a woman with a small cardboard sign. I couldn't read the sign, it was just a little too dark, but I immediately thought, as I often do when I see people begging for things on street corners or at gas stations, is that I can't actually offer them anything that will truly help them. I've always been wary about giving cash because you are unsure of how it might be spent, but it's also unclear if they'll be frustrated if you give them something other than cash like food or resources. But then in the back of my head I heard those John Prine lyrics played in the podcast many times, please don't pass them by and stare as if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello." And I was also reminded of the words of my girlfriend sharing that woman's story, if one person had told her she mattered, what that would have done to change the course of her story. When we got into the EarthFare I decided I was going to get something for this woman. I browsed and was probably thinking too critically: what if they have an allergy, or what if bread is too bland and plain. And then the tiniest little fear crept in me, what if she is upset I'm only giving her food or she's inebriated or just angry I tried to talk to her rather than just give and go. I thought through how I could comfortably tell her that she mattered without seeming ingenue. I truly wanted her to know that I acknowledged her as a person, with her own story. I ended up with chex mix called "Pisgah Crunch." Something about chex mix seemed to be a good balance of all my stressed thoughts in one bag. I squandered the fears that I was feeling and thought this was my moment to not pass someone by. I walked out of the store and down to the corner where she had been sitting, and she was gone. I felt a wave of disappointment. This had been the moment come to fruition where I was finally going to actively try to "see" someone for more than just the cardboard sign in front of them and push away any stereotypical fear that seemed to arise when I considered approaching a stranger. But instead I walked back to my car with chex mix in hand, thinking, well I guess I can hold onto this until the next time I feel like it's needed. So now that bag of chex mix is sitting in my car, just waiting for the next person who maybe my first instinct is to pass on by, but it will be a reminder to stop and really see that person, even if it's for just a moment, acknowledging that we are all human and we all have our stories and that we all deserve love and respect and the chance to connect with others. And once the chex mix bag is gone, maybe I can find other ways to actively engage with people I come across in my life. After all, new years resolutions don't come easily. A couple months ago, I tried to change my interactions on my phone from getting notifications about my friends from instagram or facebook or shopping notifications to instead receiving news notifications from a plethora of different news mediums. I wanted to reinvest myself so that when I went to check my phone, instead of scrolling through the seemingly perfectly manicured "best parts" of peoples lives, I scrolled through what was happening in the world around me so that I could be better educated about what is going on, and therefore be a better advocate for justice in the world.
Unfortunately, doing this became really hard on my mental health. Waking up to news notifications saying "Three hateful crimes, an awful attack, and continued Trump rallies, start your day here" made me really not want to start my day there. I wanted to continue being educated in order to advocate for current issues, but I had to constantly find ways to counteract that by, for example, listening to an "optimal living" podcast in the morning, or attending yoga classes at Asheville Community Yoga. I had to re-center myself in the present, and in my community to not become overwhelmed by all the negativity surrounding me in the world. In the past couple years I have become really critical about social media after taking an honors seminar course titled "My Media, My World." And me being critical doesn't mean I condemn people who use social media, because, well, I still do. But often I take a step back and think what is my purpose for participating in social media. If you scroll through any of my social media posts, it's mostly just pictures of my life or the occasional life update, which has been more frequent recently as I've graduated, moved and started a new job. This is mostly to keep family and friends who are now in far-off cities and states in-the-loop about what's going on in my life. Now what does being educated about certain events, re-centering in the present, and being aware of how I use social media have to do with each other? I have many friends on Facebook who use their social media to advocate for certain issues, and sometimes for multiple issues at the same time. They share articles, they post strongly about their opinions, they engage in meaningful conversation about whatever issue they are advocating for, and I do not want to minimize these meaningful actions. But, when I want to advocate for an issue, I want to go beyond just sharing an article, or liking a post, because to me advocacy has to move beyond the phone screen. In this past week, if you scroll through my social media, you would not know that I attended a stream naming party (a service that the non-profit I work for provides) where the community had come together to name the stream that ran through their neighborhood after an African-American woman who had done really great things in the community for bringing together different people of different backgrounds. The church where the party was held filled with different types of people, black and white alike, to celebrate the life of this woman and the work she had done. I was brought to tears as her daughter discussed how they had fought for equality and continued to fight for equality in a time of difficulty for their people. And I was able to be inspired for a future where people are able to come together in a neighborhood to celebrate a life regardless of color. I also attended a member launch for the NC AmeriCorps members in Greensboro where I attended sessions about meaningful service leadership and understanding bias and privilege in our service. If you scroll through my social media during the Kavanaugh hearings, you won't see me posting heated statements about how frustrated I was through the entire process (and believe me I was), but instead I was texting the individuals I know were survivors of assault who I knew would be having a difficult day. I don't say all this to put myself on a pedestal, because I know there are so many things I can continue to do and continue to learn, but just to say that every persons life is bigger than the things they advocate for or don't advocate for on social media. And regardless if you are someone who advocates openly or doesn't advocate openly on social media, those in-person relationships and attempts to gain a better understanding of certain communities, can be just as important. We also don't know fully what is going on in others lives. As I mentioned earlier, the constant negative news notifications seemed to overwhelm me and I had to find ways to re-center myself with the present. And sometimes, participating in social media makes me feel the same way, so I use it more to connect with family and friends than as a platform for the issues I care about. So whether you're the person who posts and advocates for issues on social media, or you aren't, neither better than the other, it's important to always be aware that someones profile is not the end-all-be-all of the things that they find important in their lives, and that the best way to engage is to build relationships and get to know those around you. No matter who you are, there are times that it feels like you can't entirely be yourself with others. Whether it's because you're into a TV show they don't watch, or you enjoy a different genre of music, or have different political beliefs, it can put you in a strange situation where you feel like you're hiding who you truly are to please other people. One community of people who I know find themselves in this situation more often than not, are individuals who identify as part of the LGBT community. In the past year, I have realized that I identify as part of that community, and recently I've found myself reflecting on the things that helped me to get through those moments where I was not only unsure around others, but unsure with myself and where I stood as part of this "community." Recently, I was inspired by a "coming out story" video that I watched. Although I don't feel super inclined to tell a "coming out story," I realized that maybe there are some aspects of what made me feel like I could be myself with others, and even myself, that could help other people who feel the same way. So, here is my attempt at a list of things that helped me to feel comfortable with myself and be more open with others. *I understand that using only LGBT can seem limiting to the community. As you read this, please understand that I am referencing many other identities as well, but for blog length purposes, I'm using LGBT to describe this community. The gender unicorn chart. Don't laugh or dismiss it too quickly. As silly as a "unicorn chart" sounds, it did a pretty good job for me delving into some of the more complicated aspects of identity that I hadn't really thought of before. And really, I have the gender unicorn to thank for realizing I was even a part of this community, because this was really the first thing that made me realize I wasn't straight. The picture below is what makes up the gender unicorn chart. I had always heard people say things like "sexuality is fluid" or "everything is a spectrum" but I didn't really understand this until I saw this chart. I was first shown this image during RA training before my senior year of college. We were given an example of how someone may fill out this chart to show their identity by putting X's along each line and how you could even have an X on more than one line under each section. Sitting in that orientation room, I suddenly realized I couldn't indefinitely say I was both physically and emotionally attracted only to men. I wasn't sure even where I could put those X's on those lines or on the other lines under those sections. The reason that I list this as a reason that I felt like I could be myself, was before I hadn't really seen a way I could define how I felt. And seeing sexuality displayed in this separated manner with a sliding scale-type spectrum, I realized I didn't have to fit into these categories society had already created for people who identify LGBT, but that I could create my own identify by marking X's on the lines where I wanted and no one could tell me where I had to put them. Having other people to talk to who do not identify as straight. Especially people who identify similarly to you. Nearly as soon as I had that experience during RA training, there were a couple of people in my life that I went to immediately that I knew identified as part of the LGBT community. They were super supportive and talked me through their own experiences of discovering themselves, but the first couple of people I talked to were gay men. Not that the advice or experiences they shared weren't good enough, but in some ways I couldn't relate entirely. Now you'll never find people who identify the exact same way as you do, even if you use the same label or seem to have similar life experiences. There also may not always present itself an opportunity where you find someone like this, but having someone at all who identifies LGBT to talk to can really help you to discuss thing you may not feel like you can talk about as easily with straight friends. Through these conversations I also realized I didn't have to pick a label for myself. To this day, I prefer not to label myself. Sometimes I'll use a catch-all of "not straight" simply because that's all I know to be true. I have had people ask what label I may be "closest" to, and while I could probably answer pansexual, I still do not enjoy feeling like I have to call myself by a title that cannot easily change and adapt as I go through my life. Realizing that it was okay for me not to label myself made me feel less pressure to be what other people wanted me to be. Having a group of people who you can talk about "not straight" things and it's not weird or abnormal, and these people don't necessarily have to be LGBT. This may seem like a weird thing that helped me to feel more comfortable, but not everyone in your life that is your friend or your family is going to be LGBT-identifying, but that doesn't mean you can't be yourself. Although there will likely be people in your life who do not support you (something that is different for every person), it is so important to find a group of people who do. This can be a group of a friends, an individual friend, a club, or whatever. You shouldn't have to feel like when you are around "your people" that you can't bring up things related to identifying LGBT. And if you do feel this way, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the people who are your biggest support system in your life. Some of my closest friends were people who loved boy-talk. Talking about boyfriends, or their sex-lives, or boys they met, and I felt kind of uncomfortable bringing up someone who wasn't male-identifying as part of the conversation. It's important to recognize those moments and even though they won't go away entirely in your life, you should find people who you don't have to feel that way with. Discovering gay culture. If you are new to the LGBT-community, the words "gay culture" can seem kind of scary. Especially if you aren't a drag-race or rupaul kind of person (like me!). But there are actually a lot of other ways that gay culture is growing and helping people to express themselves through listening to music or watching TV shows or movies. These types of things made me feel like I wasn't in this little secret pocket of the world where we had to whisper about things, but rather an accepted part of society. My first exposure was Hayley Kiyoko, who is currently exploding as she just recently performed on stage with Taylor Swift on Tour. As a gay woman, her music explores so many different aspects of being someone who identifies as part of a repressed group of people and the struggles that come with it while also celebrating herself. After having grown up listening to songs by girl artists about heartbreak from guys or falling in love with guys or being physical with guys or vice versa with guys writing about girls, it was so refreshing to have music I could relate to and empower me to be myself. And I was lucky enough to see her live a couple months ago and the community that I felt there, where I could openly hold my girlfriends hand and not be afraid, was pretty amazing. Then I watched a couple episodes of a series called Gaycation where Ellen Page and Ian Daniel travel around the world and explore what it is like to live LGBT in different countries and parts of the United States. It was both entertaining and educational and made me excited to be part of a worldwide community. This also helped me to become educated about LGBT-related issues and made me more passionate about wanting to advocate for those issues. I highly recommend both of these things. Empowering others. I never realized how much of an impact living an openly LGBT life could have until I realized that it was something that could empower others who are also unsure of themselves or being open with others. As I mentioned earlier, I was a Resident Assistant at my university which meant overseeing 40 residents on my floor. A lot of them saw me go through some pretty tough times with a boy at the beginning of the year, with many of them assuming that this meant that I was straight. Later in the semester as I started to see someone else, who was a girl, I did my best to be open and honest with my residents as they asked questions about everything. Little did I know that the support I received from residents on my hall for my relationship with someone of the same gender led a resident on the hall to feel comfortable coming out to his friends. That moment when he shared with me that seeing his friends support my relationship is really what led to him feeling comfortable with himself and with his friends, made me realize that even when the days are hard (which trust me, there were days when the lack of support from people who were important to me brought me down, it wasn't always a walk in the park), it was worth it in order to show others that there is an opportunity for support and love no matter how you identify. I also had the opportunity as a straight-passing person, to show many residents that sexuality looks different for everyone. Sometimes it is stereotypical, sometimes not, sometimes with defined labels, and sometimes not. It was amazing to see some of my unexpected residents (typically more conservative) being supportive of me as I opened up about who I was. Being unashamed of who I love. I got really lucky. Only a couple of months after deciding I would no longer be identifying as "straight," I met someone who makes me really proud to wear a "not straight label." She's not my friend, she's my girlfriend. And while there were and still are obstacles that stand in the way of me always feeling comfortable saying that, each day I become more comfortable saying it to strangers or acquaintances or new friends or people at work. Of course there is still an underlying fear of being judged or stereotyped, but when you have someone to be proud of being with like I got super lucky to have, it makes that underlying fear worth it. And maybe you aren't there, maybe you're the most single person that ever existed. But I hope that one day you find that person that makes you comfortable enough that you want to stand on the roof top and tell the world that they are your person, no matter the repercussions, because I got super lucky and found that and it's pretty awesome. As rant-y and ramble-y as that maybe was, I hope that somewhere there was a bit of advice that can help someone who is struggling, feeling like they can't be themselves, whether that's in their own mind or with others. I want to give a caveat that each and every experience is different, and I know along my journey of realizing how I am, I had a ton of support that not everyone receives during that process. My caveat is that I'm always here to talk things through and if you look at something on this list and think "wow, I need that in my life," then make an action plan, and make it happen! No better day than today. - Simply Nat This past week I have been participating in my second Resident Assistant training, which can be long and sometimes taxing work. We are trained in a variety of things that allow us to be the frontline responders and resources for college students living on campus, which involves us sitting through long presentations all day long for two weeks while we also prepare our buildings for the arrival of students. Today I spent nearly my entire day working on putting up bulletin boards, one of the more well-known tasks that RA's have to complete. At Appalachian, we use these bulletin boards as a primary tool for implementing the Residential Learning Plan (RLP), a new way of approaching life in a residence hall that looks at how learning can happen outside of the classroom. One of the things that the RLP spends a lot of time focusing on is reflection on an individual's identity, specifically how the "Big 8" identities impact how we perceive ourselves, the communities we involve ourselves in, and how we interact with others. Those big 8 identities are race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, socio-economic status, age, religion, and ability. We are also trained in how to have conversations with people through the "sustained dialogue" method which allows us to approach bias and identity related incidents and interact with people who have controversial or differing opinions. Today, as I tried to decompress from the heaviness of RA training and the exhausting day of bulletin board making, I sat down with my small pineapple pizza and put on Finding Dory and then Lilo and Stitch (no shame that I got through both these movies). This was when I checked social media for the first time of the day. My decompressing quickly changed into feelings of stress. As I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I found myself in tears as I read about the events that had unfolded in the past 24 hours in Charlottesville, VA. I will spare the details of the horrifying things that have happened, especially because news is updating every hour, constantly unraveling new details. These events were full of hate related to a specific part of a person's identity, race. With white supremacy rallies and counter protesters erupting in extreme violence over issues regarding race and the deep rooted racial history of our country, it was hard to know how to react beyond simply just severe frustration. My immediate response was to text my mom about it of course- one of the biggest elements of my support system and someone who understands my frustrations around issues of social justice. She said something that was really impactful (I don't know if she realizes how much she does this sometimes). I told her I was watching Disney movies to help me deal with the terrifying reality of the world and she responded, "That's probably a good idea. You can only do so much. And you can't change other people." This connected so well with something that I learned this past week in RA training in one of the sustained dialogue sessions. We learned about the "Cycle of Conflict" as seen below from my notes. Here you can see that ultimately, your world view helps to inform how you act within situations. I can't control how I feel about things, which means it is totally valid for me to be frustrated, upset, and angry about these awful things happening within our country. I can't control the response of others, or what others do, even if it is something as upsetting as maliciously hurting others. But what I can control, is my behavior, and my behavior moving forward from a devastating situation. Like my mom had said, I can't change other people, but what this means is that I can do everything in my power to change my own behavior within this cycle to hopefully make an impact.
So what can I do? Charlottesville, VA is home to the University of Virginia, which I'm sure has Resident Assistants figuring out how to deal with such extreme identity related catastrophes happening so close to home. What I can do is to continue to educate myself through the rest of RA training and beyond these two weeks so that I can best equip myself to teach these residents and others how to not only be valid in their own identity but to learn how to converse and be in community with people different from them, not only when it comes to race, but when it comes to all other aspects of identity. I may have been exhausted by putting up my bulletin boards today, but these boards can potentialy help to shape the interactions that future generations have regarding differences in beliefs so that maybe one day, we won't come across these stories in our news feeds. So for now, rather than sitting in my frustration, I will turn that frustration into passion for education about identity, something I can control. My way of refusing to stay silent is through continued education within myself and others- in the hopes that somewhere along the line it makes a difference. -Simply Nat Read one of my old posts about one of my main tactics for understanding how to love people who have different opinions than me here. I have had a passion for the environment for a long time.
There are so many pictures of myself at a very young age at the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences in Raleigh just ridiculously excited about learning about the planet and the magnificent things that it does. I spent a lot of my time growing up outside at what we called, "The Creek," near my house, a small tributary off of the Falls of Neuse River that led to a cascade of different large rocks and tree trunks that led to a tiny pond of collected water at the bottom of a waterfall. This place became a place where I could go to "escape" whatever elementary or middle school drama I had. Even throughout high school I remember taking my friends and my boyfriend there when I needed to talk about something or reflect on something when I knew I might need the comfort of the nature around me. On the night that I decided to be baptized, I was sitting near the shore of Kure Beach looking at a nearly perfectly clear sky. I couldn't understand how something so brilliantly beautiful as the stars and the universe and the Earth I was sitting on could exist without a God to create them. As I looked into the sky, I felt as if I truly saw for the first time, and felt even, that cradling feeling of being cared for by God. That connection that I made between nature and God didn't stop and even became stronger as I found even more of an interest in the environment after taking AP Environmental Science in high school. This was the first time I was even really exposed to some of the impact that we have on the planet. I decided to attend college at a school nestled in the middle of the mountains where I was only 10 or 20 minutes away from some pretty spectacular views and places to be emerged in nature. Then, I decided to study Sustainable Development with a concentration in environmental studies. The strong passion that was developing for sustainability stemmed not only from my experiences within nature, but my experiences with a loving God who has blessed us with the beauty of this planet. Issues of environmental concern, like climate change, have been in a huge spotlight recently as our current federal administration holds as stance against climate change. The President of the United States, Donald Trump, has promised to end billions in climate change spending, including large cuts to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), and most recently, a shocking statement to leave the Paris Climate Agreement, the largest international agreement towards zero emissions in history. Before making this decision, Trump received a letter from Pope Francis on his visit to the Vatican as part of a traditional exchange of gifts. This letter was no ordinary letter, as it was an encyclical letter (to all Roman bishops) directly addressing the importance of caring for the planet. In this letter, the Pope issues a call-to-action with 6 chapters following addressing different environmental issues and his responses to them. One of my favorite sections is under the chapter titled, "The Gospel of Creation." The section reads: "We are not God. The earth was here before us and it has been given to us. This allows us to respond to the charge that Judaeo-Christian thinking, on the basis of the Genesis account which grants man “dominion” over the earth (cf. Gen 1:28), has encouraged the unbridled exploitation of nature by painting him as domineering and destructive by nature. This is not a correct interpretation of the Bible as understood by the Church. Although it is true that we Christians have at times incorrectly interpreted the Scriptures, nowadays we must forcefully reject the notion that our being created in God’s image and given dominion over the earth justifies absolute domination over other creatures. The biblical texts are to be read in their context, with an appropriate hermeneutic, recognizing that they tell us to “till and keep” the garden of the world (cf. Gen 2:15). “Tilling” refers to cultivating, ploughing or working, while “keeping” means caring, protecting, overseeing and preserving. This implies a relationship of mutual responsibility between human beings and nature. Each community can take from the bounty of the earth whatever it needs for subsistence, but it also has the duty to protect the earth and to ensure its fruitfulness for coming generations. “The earth is the Lord’s” (Ps 24:1); to him belongs “the earth with all that is within it” (Dt 10:14). Thus God rejects every claim to absolute ownership: “The land shall not be sold in perpetuity, for the land is mine; for you are strangers and sojourners with me” (Lev 25:23)." I took a "Farm Operations" class as part of my Sustainable Development major. I really really hated it. It was out on a farm all day every other Friday from 8 in the morning until 5 at night. I think my favorite day was the day were we had to catch the chickens to move them, but other than that this class just further solidified the fact that I really REALLY do not want to be a farmer. But what it did do was that it taught me to have an appreciation for the amount of work that goes into creating food. "Tilling" and "keeping" like the Pope refers to here isn't quite as easy as it sounds. And it's the same way when we use these terms to refer to our relationship with the planet. It isn't always easy, it isn't always convenient, but much like if we didn't till and keep our plants we wouldn't eat, if we don't till and keep the Earth, at some point, we will not longer be able to live. For me, caring for the environment goes far beyond politics. This isn't an issue of democrat or republican, or any other political party for that matter. Not only should we care about the planet because it was such an incredible gift from God, but also because our inability to take care of it is now even directly affecting humans, those made directly in God's image. I'll close this post with words from Pope Francis' letter that I believe perfectly sum up the call-to-action of the solidarity and unity that is required in moving towards saving our home. "I urgently appeal, then, for a new dialogue about how we are shaping the future of our planet. We need a conversation which includes everyone, since the environmental challenge we are undergoing, and its human roots, concern and affect us all. The worldwide ecological movement has already made considerable progress and led to the establishment of numerous organizations committed to raising awareness of these challenges. Regrettably, many efforts to seek concrete solutions to the environmental crisis have proved ineffective, not only because of powerful opposition but also because of a more general lack of interest. Obstructionist attitudes, even on the part of believers, can range from denial of the problem to indifference, nonchalant resignation or blind confidence in technical solutions. We require a new and universal solidarity. As the bishops of Southern Africa have stated: “Everyone’s talents and involvement are needed to redress the damage caused by human abuse of God’s creation”. All of us can cooperate as instruments of God for the care of creation, each according to his or her own culture, experience, involvements and talents." "ALL of us can cooperate as instruments of God for the care of creation, each according to his or her own culture, experience, involvements and talents." Let us till, let us keep, let us be guided by a God who created this beautiful planet for us. -Simply Nat You can read the entire letter written by Pope Francis HERE Tomorrow is Valentines day. As someone who has been single for a whopping 5 years, you could say that Valentines day isn't my favorite holiday, but after attending worship at First Baptist Church of Boone yesterday, I found a new perspective that gave a little bit of light to the holiday, especially given some of the things that have been going on recently in our country. "[22] But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire. [23] So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, [24] leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. [25] Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. [26] Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny." Matthew 5: 22-26 This was a section of the verses that the sermon was based off yesterday. Now I'm sure you're thinking that these verses can be a little intense. I mean, "liable to the hell of fire," sounds pretty terrifying to me. Roy Dobyns, the pastor at FBC Boone helped me to take a step back from these verses that are actually in the context of why you should not murder and instead see them as words that can help to guide how I treat others on a daily basis. So much of what has been going on recently in our country has created divides and put up walls (unfortunately not just figurative walls) between individuals, families, and entire identities of people. Now, I am no expert in politics, and sometimes the big picture of things is honestly so confusing, that I get nervous taking a stand against things I don't feel fully educated on. But regardless of what big actions I take against some of these divides, I can use what I do feel comfortable with to take smaller actions that in the end can seriously add up. For me, that is individual relationships and connections. Although I go to a university, in which I find my values and beliefs being echoed back to me in many instances, I have met my share of opposition and questioning, from people all over the spectrum, friends and strangers alike. The first step that I've found in dealing with these instances, is to listen. In my job as a Resident Assistant stressing "Listen to understand, rather to respond" is a huge part of building relationships with all residents, similar or different from you. Sometimes, we are quick to respond, filling with immediate backlash and emotion. And that is exactly what Matthew is warning against here in these verses. He calls us to put down our angers, put down our judgement, and to come to terms with those who are accusatory against us. Now I know that's way easier said than done. I have found myself shutting down quickly in conversations sometimes when I know that if I continue to listen, or even attempt to respond, that things will get ugly fast. But I think striving to keep that motto of listening to understand rather to respond is the first step towards bridging that divide. Roy commented on how the sometimes scary language in Matthew suggests that when we have these angers towards others, when we keep the walls up that divide us from our brothers and sisters, we simply cannot reach the kingdom of heaven. It's a hard task to take on. Especially because a lot of the time we find ourselves easily bridging the divide with certain groups of people more than others. But we have to remember that even the oppressor, even the accuser, and even those who don't believe in God deserves our understanding and forgiveness. As I hopefully write more, you will soon learn that I tie in a word that has significant importance to me in a lot of situations that I find myself stumbling upon. Agape. It's a greek word, one of the four greek loves. It means unconditional love, usually to represent the love between people and God and God and people, but can also be used in context of how we treat one another. That no matter what someone does to us, that we won't let it bring bitterness into our hearts. I recently had this word tattooed on my arm as a permanent and constant reminder of tearing down these walls that I find between myself and others. Although initially confusing and kind of terrifying, after spending some time with these verses, it is comforting to know that overall, we are called to love others, to put down our gifts and to settle our disputes before entering the kingdom of heaven. So Valentines day is tomorrow. A day I usually gag as I see couples walking around hand in hand with way too much PDA. But in the end, it is a day in which people show love to others. So rather than sitting in my sometimes ridiculously lonely state and being bitter towards the world, I have been inspired to show agape love. To break down barriers between myself and people I find it hard to love at times. And I am reminded that as long as I have the unconditional love of God, things are going to be okay. - Simply Nat |